 |
||
|
Current ~ Archives ~ Profile ~ 101 Things ~ Notes ~ E-Mail ~ Rings ~ Design |
||
|
Oh, things are a mess. A big, sloppy mess. And I�m stuck holding the mop yet again. (Holy bad writing. I�m like freshman year creative writing.) It�s not even one thing I can pin down. It�s everything I touch, everything I see, everywhere I go. I have so much to do and all I can do is just sit here and stare into my monitor, not even seeing anything. I couldn�t tell you what I�m even doing right now. I just opened up a file and zoned out looking at the top piece of paper for like fifteen minutes. And they pay me for this. Nothing holds my attention. I get home after work and plop into a lawn chair and watch the boys play. If they ask me to push them on the swings it takes a huge effort to get up and do it. I feel bad, like I�m depriving them of a real mother and instead they got this weird one with empty eyes and a low, monotone voice. At least I�ve stopped screaming at them, but this is the polar opposite and that�s not what I want either. I haven�t done laundry in weeks. My poor kids. My poor husband. This is exactly what I don�t need to do. I can�t let it suck me in because I know good and well that it is stronger than I am. (For the record, the phrase �what doesn�t kill you makes you stronger� has always angered me. In my life, what hasn�t killed me hasn�t killed me, but rather chipped off little pieces of who I am. I can�t be stronger if I�m so obviously flawed.) I�ve been good the last few days: taking the boys to ride the train just for fun, bringing Lukas to see my brother play softball, going to the F0xhole last night with Danielle. But I had to force myself to do those things. Each time I considered calling the whole thing off and curling up in bed at seven p.m. But I didn�t, and that�s progress. Fuck. I just realized I forgot to have the kids brush their teeth this morning. See? I�m a mess. I sent them to daycare with bad breath and tangled hair. I�m so lucky that they are such good kids. They are always hugging me and climbing onto my lap, saying, �I want to cuddle with you, Mommy.� Awww. I guess they are too young to see me for what I really am. Ugh. I probably won�t even post this. Kids are: Stupid turned it off because she couldn't hear on the phone. Last person who pissed me off: Stupid. (We have nicknames for everyone here. Stupid, Crackhead, Crazy, Bitch...creative, I know.) Heard in my house: "I can't go poop in the potty. Then my diaper would be sad." Miss Anything? pics - 2007-06-05
 <<
#
Bitch Club
?
>>
|
||
|
Brushes - Host - Photos - Reviews - Wishlist - LiveJournal - Cast - Free Stuff - Adagio Teas |
