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I bought a dress. And shoes. And earrings. And suck-it-all-in underpants. The dress is everything it is supposed to be: long, light purple, and sort of sleeveless. (It has those floppy see-through sleeve things that everything seems to have this season.) The best part? It’s a size ten, bitches! I love it. I almost didn’t try it on because seriously, the last time I could fit into a ten was right after I had Lukas and I was, uh, not being very good to myself to put it mildly. But it very definitely fits, and it’s not even tight. Weight Watchers rules. Nick did laundry AND dishes yesterday. He tells me he doesn’t read this, but isn’t it odd that the very day I was bitching about those two particular things, he does them? We also have an appointment at lunchtime today to tour a preschool. Huh, I bitched about that yesterday too. But surely he’d have mentioned if he’d read the comments from that entry, where 80% of you told me to leave him. Well, maybe he wouldn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m headed to Tennessee to see my best friend, who I haven’t seen in about seven months, get married and I’m not going to let him spoil it for me. I almost feel like I should come to his defense a little after some of the comments I received yesterday. There are times when he’s really great to me. I will admit we’ve got some big problems, but I don’t believe they are insurmountable. Of course I don’t think he’ll change just because I tell him to. However, I am still holding out hope that someday he will grow up. Before you flame me, yes, that hope dying a slow and agonizing death. I look at his father and I think, “If Nick ends up like that, I am so gone.” But Nick sees that his father got the way he is (forty-five, broke, chronically un- or underemployed, and living off wife #4) by acting the way that he himself is acting right now. He knows full well what will happen if he goes that route. I don’t think he believes I would ever leave him, but he knows that when I’m unhappy, he’s unhappy right along with me and he does a lot to keep himself happy. You know what? I’m making it worse. Never mind. Let’s just say that I don’t think I could make it on my own, and leave it at that. I’m really not a very strong person, or a motivated person. Plus if I had to take another job to support the boys, I would never see them and I feel robbed of their childhood as it is. I’m sure I’d have a lot of help, because no one I know would blame me for leaving, but it’s not a life I want for myself or for my boys. We’re leaving tonight. We’ll be back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning. Hopefully I’ll be back with pictures Sunday or Monday. I hope everyone has a great long weekend. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the advice I’ve been given. I realize that every one of you has a point. But right now there is so much fucked up in my life, I don’t want to go creating another problem for myself. Kids are: Commercials interspersed with American Idol talk. Last person who pissed me off: Today, not really anyone. Yet. Heard in my house: "I missed you sooooo much Mommy." Awwww. I just want to squeeze them till they fart. Miss Anything? It's a boy! - 2006-12-12
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