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at 2004-12-23 around 10:02 a.m.

Two years ago right now, I was clutching my stomach and trying to convince Nick that I was dying. I didn�t know that when you have two babies really close together, those uterine contractions you have after the baby is born are seven hundred times worse after the second baby. I thought there surely must be something on fire in there because I couldn�t even stand up. I was sitting in the bottom of the shower stall in the hospital crying and bleeding. Lovely.

Today is Nickolas� second birthday.

I woke him up by singing the birthday song, which he joined in before he even opened his eyes. If you ask him whose birthday it is, he gives this huge grin and says �Birthday!� If you ask him how old he is now, he says, �Birthday!� When I left him at the sitter�s this morning, I said goodbye to him and he said, �Birthday!� I managed to get to my car before I burst into bad mommy tears. I hate working. It�s my baby�s birthday and he�s not even spending it with me. Not. Fair.

We pay our rent weekly because we are suck ass budgeters. If you add up the weekly rent and the weekly daycare payment, it comes out to the penny to be the amount of my paycheck. You have no idea how depressing that is. (Okay, you probably do, but bear with me here. I�m moaning.) I had a terrible night with Lukas refusing to go to sleep and then refusing to get out of bed this morning. Nick and I fought all night over our different ideas on how to raise a human. Lukas had an accident somewhere between home and the sitter�s so I delivered him there in wet pants. I�m sure she was thrilled. I forgot my white elephant present for the stupid work party, but luckily someone brought in extras. I screamed at Lukas and I feel awful. This is supposed to be a happy day and I�m miserable.

We are having a zillion people over tonight for cake and ice cream. I am so not in the mood. I am in one of my severe hide from the world funks, and I am just ready to cry thinking about all those people in my house. I was supposed to go get wine and beer after work, but now I�m afraid to start drinking. I�ll never stop. I think I�ve officially lost it.

Sorry guys, I�m a buzzkill today. Merry Christmas and happy birthday to my baby.

Oh, and Bonnie? You rule.

Kids are: Fucking Christmas station.

Last person who pissed me off: Nick.

Heard in my house: "Winkle winkle birthday star, wonder wonder wonder warrr."

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