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Oh boy, I have a big project to do for work and I can�t make myself do it. I�m right in the middle right now, and I kind of stalled out suddenly. Definitely a don�t-wanna day. The weekend was purely pointless. I accomplished nothing, didn�t exercise, didn�t even leave the house once on Saturday. Just played with the kids, which made me pretty happy. Sunday I was supposed to go for a bike ride with DMIL, but the boys slept until 9:00 (!) and I didn�t wake up on time. I figured she would just call me, but she didn�t. Then around 1:00 she called and reamed out both me and Nick and said that we only call her when we need something, and hung up on me. I am so tired of everybody making me feel like shit. I�m really not that bad of a person, and I really don�t think I deserve to be cut down every time I tell her that I would rather spend my weekends with my kids than with her (let�s get real here � I see her every day, all day at work) and she�s welcome to come over and hang out at my house (okay I don�t have a house, sob!) if she wants to but I�m not going over there because it�s too dangerous for the boys what with the exposed electrical sockets and open stairways and staircases with no railings. Would you take your kids there? No way! I have (gently) reminded her of this several times, but then she throws her tantrums and we wind up going there anyway and spending a whole day two steps behind both kids, trying to keep them from killing themselves with the boxcutter laying in the middle of the floor. So annoying. I don�t mean to be harsh, but jeez. I already feel like the worst mom ever for having this stupid job and missing them growing up. Don�t make it worse by making me feel like the worst daughter-in-law ever. I have to be everywhere for everyone all the time and I just can�t. I see my parents less now that we live with them because we can�t look like we�re playing favorites. I wish everyone around me would just grow the fuck up, except the boys. I want them to stay little forever and maybe someday I�ll get to see them for more than an hour at a time. In the midst of all this depression and anger I�ve managed to gain ten pounds. That really helps my mood. How did I get to be such a heifer? And why can�t I be one of those people who lose their appetite when they�re depressed? Fuckers. So now I have to stop eating and drinking. I realize it�s probably the drinking that is doing it, so tonight after the kids are in bed, instead of going for a drink, I�ll go for a bike ride. Blissfully alone, if possible. Hopefully I�ll start to burn off some of this disgusting blues weight. I am having a really bad ugly-day. So, we went to some friends� house last Thursday to see the damage from a fire they had on Tuesday. He was cutting the gas tank off a racecar and it exploded and caught the side of the house. No one was hurt. The first thing his wife said to me was, �So when are you and Nick having another baby?� Turns out, all of the people in this group that we are sort of on the fringe of are �trying.� So I told them what happened with me, and they were of course very sympathetic, and asked if we were going to keep trying. Nick said to them, �Nope. I told her that that was her chance, and she messed that one up. Now we�re not having any more.� Everyone sort of quickly changed the subject, but later on when the �men� were playing with the cars and it was just ladies and babies, one of the girls said, �Isn�t that kind of harsh? I mean, it wasn�t your fault that you lost the baby.� And you know what? I am so used to hearing things like that come out of his mouth, I hadn�t even thought about how it must sound to other people. Yes, of course it was harsh. Yes, of course it made me incredibly sad. But I hadn�t thought about how shitty it was for him to say in front of other people. To make it even worse, the next morning, he said to me, �Let�s make a baby,� and I was thrilled, thinking he had thought about it and come around. Turns out he was only trying to get me to have sex with him. He laughed about it, said that now he knows what to say to get me to do it. If you�re reading this, Nick, you should know how small it makes me feel that you would think that�s funny, and how stupid I feel when you tell other people that I �had my chance to have another baby,� but messed it up. Just so you know. You wanted to know how I feel, now you do. And I know you�ll take it as an attack, and I�ll get the silent treatment for a few days, but you should know that I�m not the only one who needs to think before I speak. It wouldn�t surprise me if you don�t even remember saying these things, but as you always tell me, drinking isn�t an excuse for doing or saying mean things. You hurt me a lot more deeply than you probably think. Kids are: Last person who pissed me off: Heard in my house: Miss Anything? pics - 2007-06-05
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