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Something I really hate about myself is that I cannot make myself work. I have no willpower whatsoever. I run into a slight snag, and I�m off to something else instead of trying to figure it out. I have twenty files on my desk and not one of them is close to being finished because I just can�t make myself dig a little deeper. In fact I�m avoiding them right now by writing this. Jeebus, I am driving myself nuts! I think I need to go back on Wellbutrin or something. Yes! I just overheard that my boss isn�t coming in today. Something about a Cubs game�who cares where she is as long as it isn�t here. That means I can finally get some stuff done, assuming that I can tear myself away from the web and this. Yesterday on the way home from work, Nick kept opening Lukas�s window in the car and Lukas was getting mad because his hair was in his face. So I asked Nick if we could get his hair cut. He of course said no. I argued that it was bothering him, he�s forever pushing it out of his eyes. Nick decided that we were going to shave his head. Yeah, right. A few hours later, guess whose head is totally bald? My baby has a shaved head. It�s cute, but it will take some getting used to. I will miss his hair, it�s so curly and adorable, and he looks a lot older without it. My dad, ever supportive, said, �Why did you do that? Oh well, it�s your kid.� Nice. I guess the part that saves it is that he giggled the whole time because the clippers tickled his head. A little kid giggling is so awesomely contagious, we were all hysterical by the time it was over. I never did take that bike ride last night. I�m going to insist tonight. I need the exercise. This is getting ridiculous. Everyone around me says that I have actually lost weight, which is horrifying. You mean I looked worse than this? Why didn�t you fuckers tell me that? Now it�s definitely time for a starvation diet. You would think that with these kids running me ragged, I�d get a little more exercise. Oh, I am making some headway with the towering stacks of work. I just got rid of one with minimal effort on my part. I have been having a prolonged, severe attack of the guilts about my job lately. I want to be with my kids. That�s all there is to it. It makes me crazy angry that Nick isn�t working (yeah, that lasted a while, huh?) and he won�t take them for even half the day. We could save a lot more money, to look at it from a financial standpoint like he does, and my kids would be with their father, which would do a lot to assuage my guilt over putting them in daycare full-time. I never wanted that for them. Nickolas is really getting shafted because when I went back to work, he was only five months old. Lukas was nineteen months old by then and I had been home the whole time with him. I really, really hate this. The more I think about it, the more I wish the situation were reversed and Nick was working full-time and I could stay home, because at least I would have the kids with me and not some stranger. I know he doesn�t want to hang out at my parents� house all day, but even if he just went out and ran his errands in the mornings and picked the boys up and went to the park for an hour or so before coming to get me, I would be thrilled. It doesn�t take much to make me happy. I just feel like I�m missing their whole childhoods, and I envy everyone who gets to stay home. I know it�s hard, I stayed home with my boys for a long time and thought I�d go nuts, but it�s a thousand times more satisfying of a job. I look at my job like that one Friends episode where Chandler says, �Gotta get to work, because if I don�t enter those numbers, well, it doesn�t really matter.� That�s exactly how I feel. I could sit here all day banging away on this stupid computer, and all my kids know is that I�m not there. Yeah, I�m making a �living� and money to provide for them, but it�s not the same and I resent Nick for not being with them when he can. Ooh, did I say that out loud? Kids are: Last person who pissed me off: Heard in my house: Miss Anything? pics - 2007-06-05
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