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This has long day written all over it. I slept alone again last night, this time in the bed. It�s dry now. I guess I pushed him away from me in my sleep and he got up and went to the couch in a huff. It�s funny how he can get angry with me for things I do while sleeping but when he tells me to get the fuck away from him and smacks me, and later claims to have been sleeping, I can�t hold that against him. At least I had the big bed to myself and not an uncomfortable couch again. My back thanks me, even if my husband doesn�t. I don�t know what exactly to do about these unconscious (subconscious?) feelings of indifference I have for him. I still love him, but a lot of what we had physically is gone. I think it�s me but I don�t know. We�ve both gained a little weight (he�s gained more than I have) but I�d hate to think that�s the reason. I certainly don�t want to leave him over it, but it weighs on my mind constantly. This has never been an altogether healthy relationship, but the longer it lasts, the more infected it becomes, it seems. Ack, I don�t want to think about this anymore. Can�t be crying at work, you know. We have been packing the house for weeks now. Where did all this crap come from? It�s all bullshit that I can�t believe we still have, but I can�t make myself throw any of it away. We both have parents who give us lots of useless shit and tell us never to part with it, so we�re really screwed. We�ve already filled up a 10 x 10 storage unit and we�re not even halfway done. And we have to be out by the 30th. More reasons to just sit down and cry, even though it will only make me feel worse and it certainly won�t solve anything. Hopefully while we�re moving we will find all our paperwork on everything we owe (that�s a lot of paperwork � we owe close to $50,000 to various creditors) so we can declare bankruptcy and be out of here at the earliest possible moment. I can�t take it here anymore� God, I am so fucking dramatic. You would think I am some kind of abused wife who works for peanuts at a horrible strip club to support my husband�s heroin habit. Really, it�s a cigarette habit, and it�s just a horrible insurance agency, and it�s cashews, not peanuts. (Peanuts being slightly more upscale than peanuts�?) I feel so fucking whiny right now, everything that can go wrong lately is going wrong. We picked up a new laptop for Nick�s friend yesterday, to replace the one Nick soaked in beer. There goes another $600, and guess who is the only one working? That would be me, in case you are riding the short bus today. I cheered myself up this morning by thinking that the next eight work days, I will be working just to pay for that. My glass is half full today, kiddies. Fuck. That was the worst paragraph ever. I suppose that is what a rural public education gets me. (Hee hee.) Maybe the practice here will do me some good and refresh my memory of structure. My office is across the street from a Nicor natural gas station. When there are workers over there, it smells strongly of natural gas. Yes, I know that natural gas is odorless and the smell is put in there so we will know when there is a leak, but it still gives me a nauseous headache. Maybe I will have to go home early. Kids are: Last person who pissed me off: Heard in my house: Miss Anything? pics - 2007-06-05
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