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You know how �they� say that if everything goes wrong on your wedding day, you will have a strong marriage? Well, Katie and her husband? Best marriage ever. The weekend was a complete clusterfuck. Nothing was planned, nobody knew what was going on, and nobody had a place to stay. But you know what? It all worked out in the end, and we all had a blast. Thursday night Katie and I went out separately from the boys. We ended up at this bar called the Handlebar, where we discovered the chocolate cake shot. We also discovered that since free pour bartending is illegal in South Carolina, if you order a Bacardi and coke, you get an entire airplane shooter dumped in your glass, which is about twice the size of a glass you would get in, say, Illinois. Three drinks in Illinois and I have a nice buzz. Three drinks in Greenville and I am SMASHED. So we leave the Handlebar and decide that we should most definitely go to a strip club. We don�t know where to find a strip club, but we figure that if we drive around for a while, surely one will show itself, right? Three hours later we gave up and went home, where we fell asleep next to the bonfire. Katie�s mom called us because she was driving down and didn�t know what to do after she got off the interstate, and Katie told her very seriously that it was easy, she lived across from the diapers. Then we were carried inside. We were up at seven getting ready to drive to Gatlinburg, where the wedding was. We made a four car caravan and made pretty good time. That night we left the kids with the grandparents and went out on the town. We didn�t drink nearly as much as we did the night before, thank goodness, but we still got pretty retarded. We all got matching tattoos and blubbered about how we will be friends forever, because we are messy sappy drunks. It was decided that the girls (me, Katie, and Crystal) would sleep in the honeymoon cabin and the boys would stay in town at the Super 8. Katie was driving back to the cabin, but she pulled into a gas station, demanded a new driver and a ham sandwich, and passed out in the backseat. Here�s where the fun begins! I realized that Katie�s fianc� still had the key to the cabin, so I called him and told him to meet us up there. He said he would take Crystal�s car, since we had his, and would be on his way. We got to the cabin, and no Matt. We waited a good half hour, and I finally called Nick to ask him when Matt had left. The guys all instantly panicked because these are some mountain roads we�re talking about here. There are no shoulders � if you slide off the road, you�re way, way off the road. So Crystal and I drive back down the mountain to see if we can find him. We could see the flashing lights for a while before we finally got there and saw Crystal�s car sideways in a ditch with a bunch of cops standing around it. Crystal pulled up to the cops and said, �Is Matt okay?� The cop looked at her and said, �Is that who was driving? Because we found the car empty.� Fuck. So we waited around for a while for the car to get pulled out and towed, panicking because Matt still hadn�t shown up. After the cops left, we drove up and down the long ass windy mountain road at about two miles an hour, screaming his name out the window. Katie slept through the whole thing, thank goodness. Have I mentioned that there is no cell phone reception in them hills? Because there isn�t. On our four hundredth trip down the mountain, I called Matt�s phone and HE PICKED UP. I immediately started screaming at him for giving me a heart attack. We went back to the Super 8, picked up the key, and went back to the cabin. I got Katie into the cabin without incident. We finally went to sleep at about five in the morning. And we got up at seven to get Katie ready for the wedding. She was bright eyed and bushy tailed, having been sleeping since one a.m. Crystal and I were stumbling around and trying to make coffee from dish soap packets. Guh. We got down to the chapel with moments to spare, thinking everything had worked out for the best. Then the minister asked for the marriage license. The marriage license that we had left on the fucking table in the fucking cabin. I won�t bore you with the details of the reception being screwed up and the order for the cake being �lost�. They�re married now, and they�re happy, and that�s all that counts. Katie and I were both completely hysterical when we had to say goodbye. We almost had Nick and Matt crying, we were sobbing so hard. We don�t get to see each other often enough. Nick finally peeled us apart and walked me, still crying, to the car and we headed back. Indiana, you can suck it because you are so damn boring. You are lucky that Tennessee is so beautiful to make up for your suckassedness. Kids are: "Love in an Elevator" Aerosmith. Last person who pissed me off: Crazy bitch at work who is trying to get me fired. I hope it works. Heard in my house: "Easter is over. So I want M & M's now." Miss Anything? pics - 2007-06-05
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